{"id":8096,"date":"2017-06-16T08:17:24","date_gmt":"2017-06-16T06:17:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/openasia.org\/en\/?p=8096"},"modified":"2017-06-16T08:31:10","modified_gmt":"2017-06-16T06:31:10","slug":"how-to-raise-a-feminist-son","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/openasia.org\/en\/2017\/06\/how-to-raise-a-feminist-son\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Raise a Feminist Son"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Source: NEW YORK TIMES<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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By CLAIRE CAIN MILLER<\/span> and ILLUSTRATIONS BY AGNES LEE<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

We raise our girls to fight stereotypes and pursue their dreams, but we don\u2019t do the same for our boys.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/header>\n

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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

We\u2019re now more likely to tell our daughters they can be anything they want to be \u2014 an astronaut and a mother, a tomboy and a girlie girl. But we don\u2019t do the same for our sons.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even as we\u2019ve given girls more choices for the roles they play, boys\u2019 worlds are still confined, social scientists say. They\u2019re discouraged from having interests that are considered feminine. They\u2019re told to be tough at all costs, or else to tamp down their so-called boy energy.<\/span><\/p>\n

If we want to create an equitable society, one in which everyone can thrive, we need to also give boys more choices. As Gloria Steinem <\/span>says<\/a>, \u201cI\u2019m glad we\u2019ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons, but it will never work until we raise our sons more like our daughters.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s because women\u2019s roles can\u2019t expand if men\u2019s don\u2019t, too. But it\u2019s not just about women. Men are falling behind in school and work because we are not raising boys to succeed in the new, pink economy. Skills like cooperation, empathy and diligence \u2014 often considered to be feminine \u2014 are <\/span>increasingly valued<\/a> in modern-day work and school, and jobs that require these skills are the <\/span>fastest-growing<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

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In her <\/span>new book<\/a>, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, the Nigerian-born author, gives <\/span>instructions<\/a> for raising a feminist daughter. But how can we raise feminist sons?<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

I asked neuroscientists, economists, psychologists and others to answer that question, based on the latest research and data we have about gender. I defined feminist simply, as someone who believes in the full equality of men and women. Their advice applied broadly: to anyone who wants to raise children who are kind, confident and free to pursue their dreams.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Let him cry<\/span><\/h2>\n
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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Boys and girls cry the same amount when they\u2019re babies and toddlers, research shows. It\u2019s around age 5 that boys get the message that anger is acceptable but that they\u2019re not supposed to show other feelings, like vulnerability, said <\/span>Tony Porter<\/a>, co-founder of <\/span>A Call to Men<\/a>, an education and advocacy group.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOur daughters are allowed to be human beings, and our sons are taught to be robotic,\u201d he said. \u201cTeach him that he has a full range of emotions, to stop and say, \u2018I\u2019m not angry; I\u2019m scared, or my feelings are hurt, or I need help.\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

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Give him role models<\/span><\/h2>\n
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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Boys are particularly responsive to spending time with role models, even more than girls, <\/span>research<\/a> shows. There is growing evidence that boys raised in households without a father figure fare worse in <\/span>behavior<\/a>, <\/span>academics and earnings<\/a>. One reason, <\/span>according to<\/a> the economists David Autor and Melanie Wasserman, is they do not see men taking on life\u2019s responsibilities. \u201cPut good men in the space of your son,\u201d Mr. Porter said.<\/span><\/p>\n

Give them strong female role models, too. Talk about the achievements of women you know, and well-known women in sports, politics or media. Sons of single mothers usually have a lot of respect for their accomplishments, said <\/span>Tim King<\/a>, founder of Urban Prep Academies for low-income, African-American boys. He encourages them to see other women that way.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Let him be himself<\/span><\/h2>\n
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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Even as adult gender roles have merged, children\u2019s products have become more divided by gender than they were 50 years ago, <\/span>research has found<\/a>: pink princesses and blue trucks, not just in the toy aisle but on cups and toothbrushes. It\u2019s no wonder that children\u2019s interests end up aligning that way. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But neuroscientists say children aren\u2019t born with those preferences. Until the mid-20th century, <\/span>pink was the boy color<\/a> and blue was for girls. In studies, infants have not been shown to have strong toy preferences. The difference, <\/span>according<\/a> to <\/span>researchers<\/a>, emerges at the same time that children become aware of their gender, around age 2 or 3, at which point societal expectations can override innate interests. Yet longitudinal studies suggest that toy segregation has long-term effects on gender gaps in academics, spatial skills and social skills, according to <\/span>Campbell Leaper<\/a>, chairman of the psychology department at the University of California, Santa Cruz.<\/span><\/p>\n

For children to reach their full potential, they need to follow their interests, traditional or not. So let them. The idea is not to assume that all children want to do the same things, but to make sure they\u2019re not limited.<\/span><\/p>\n

Offer open-ended activities, like playing with blocks or clay, and encourage boys to try activities like dress-up or art class, even if they don\u2019t seek them out, social scientists say. Call out stereotypes. (\u201cIt\u2019s too bad that toy box shows all girls because I know boys also like to play with dollhouses.\u201d) It could also improve the status of women. Researchers say the reason parents encourage daughters to play soccer or become doctors, but not sons to take ballet or become nurses, is that \u201cfeminine\u201d equals <\/span>lower status<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Teach him to take care of himself<\/span><\/h2>\n
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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

\u201cSome mothers raise their daughters but love their sons,\u201d said <\/span>Jawanza Kunjufu<\/a>, an author and lecturer on educating black boys. They make their daughters study, do chores and go to church, he said \u2014 but not their sons.<\/span><\/p>\n

The difference shows up in the data: American girls ages 10 to 17 spend two more hours on chores each week than boys do, and boys are 15 percent more likely to be paid for doing chores, <\/span>according to<\/a> a University of Michigan study.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTeach our sons to cook, clean and look after themselves \u2014 to be equally competent in the home as we would expect our daughters to be in the office,\u201d said <\/span>Anne-Marie Slaughter<\/a>, chief executive of New America, a think tank.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Teach him to take care of others<\/span><\/h2>\n
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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Women still do more of the caregiving \u2014 for children and for older people \u2014 and the housework, even when both parents work full time, <\/span>data show<\/a>. And caregiving jobs are the <\/span>fastest-growing<\/a>. So teach boys to care for others. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Talk about how men balance work and family, and how sons and not just daughters are expected to care for parents and relatives when they\u2019re old, Ms. Slaughter said. Enlist boys\u2019 help making soup for a sick friend or visiting a relative in the hospital. Give them responsibilities caring for pets and younger siblings. Encourage them to babysit, coach or tutor. One program brings <\/span>babies into elementary classrooms<\/a>, which has been <\/span>found<\/a> to increase empathy and decrease aggression.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Share the work<\/span><\/h2>\n
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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

When possible, resist gender roles in housework and child care among parents. Actions speak louder than words, said Dan Clawson, a sociologist at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst: \u201cIf the mother cooks the food and cleans the house and the father mows the lawn and is often gone from home, lessons are learned.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Also share some of the breadwinning. Men raised by mothers who worked for at least a year around the time their sons were teenagers were more likely to marry women who work, <\/span>one study<\/a> showed. <\/span>Another<\/a> found that sons of women who work for any amount of time before age 14 spend more time on housework and child care as adults. \u201cMen who were raised by employed moms are significantly more egalitarian in their gender attitudes,\u201d said <\/span>Kathleen McGinn<\/a>, a professor at Harvard Business School.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Encourage friendships with girls<\/span><\/h2>\n
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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Research<\/a> at Arizona State University found that by the end of preschool, children start segregating by sex, and this reinforces gender stereotypes. But children who are encouraged to play with friends of the opposite sex <\/span>learn<\/a> better problem-solving and communication.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe more obvious it is that gender is being used to categorize groups or activities, the more likely it is that gender stereotypes and bias are reinforced,\u201d said <\/span>Richard Fabes<\/a>, director of the university\u2019s Sanford School, which <\/span>studies<\/a> gender and education.<\/span><\/p>\n

Organize coed birthday parties and sports teams for young children, so children don\u2019t come to believe it\u2019s acceptable to exclude a group on the basis of sex, said <\/span>Christia Brown<\/a>, a developmental psychologist at the University of Kentucky. Try not to differentiate in language, either: <\/span>One study<\/a> found that when preschool teachers said \u201cboys and girls\u201d instead of \u201cchildren,\u201d the students held more stereotypical beliefs about men\u2019s and women\u2019s roles and spent less time playing with one another.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Boys who have friendships with girls are also less likely to think of women as sexual conquests, Mr. Porter said.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Teach \u2018no means no\u2019<\/span><\/h2>\n
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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Other ways to teach respect and consent: Require children to ask before they touch one another\u2019s bodies as early as preschool. Also, teach them the power of the word no \u2014 stop tickling them or wrestling with them when they say it.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Model healthy problem-solving at home. Children\u2019s exposure to <\/span>divorce<\/a> or <\/span>abuse<\/a> has been linked to poor conflict resolution in future romantic relationships, said <\/span>W. Bradford Wilcox<\/a>, a sociologist and director of the <\/span>National Marriage Project<\/a> at the University of Virginia.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Speak up when others are intolerant<\/span><\/h2>\n
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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Say something when you see teasing or harassment, and role-play with boys so they can intervene when they see it, Ms. Brown said. \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Speak up when they\u2019re inappropriate, too. \u201cBoys will be boys\u201d is not an excuse for bad behavior. Expect more of them. \u201cBe vigilant in redirecting conduct which is demeaning, intolerant, disrespectful, offensive,\u201d Mr. King said.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Never use \u2018girl\u2019 as an insult<\/span><\/h2>\n
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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Don\u2019t say \u2014 and don\u2019t let your son say \u2014 that someone throws or runs like a girl, or use \u201csissy\u201d or any of its more offensive synonyms. Same for sexist jokes.<\/span><\/p>\n

Be careful with subtler language, too. The research of <\/span>Emily Kane<\/a>, a sociologist at Bates College, shows that parents enforce traditional gender roles for sons mostly because they fear those sons will be teased. \u201cWe can all help by avoiding judgment, and avoiding small, everyday assumptions about what a kid will enjoy or be good at based on their gender,\u201d she said. Boys who get teased could say, \u201cNo, anyone can play with beads,\u201d or \u201cI am not a girl, but do you think they\u2019re worse than boys?\u201d said Lise Eliot, a neuroscientist at Rosalind Franklin University.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Read a lot, including about girls and women<\/span><\/h2>\n
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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

You\u2019ve probably heard that boys excel at science and math, and girls at language and reading. Stereotypes can become self-fulfilling. Mothers talk more with daughters than sons, according to <\/span>a meta-analysis<\/a> by Mr. Leaper. Fight the stereotype by talking to boys, reading to them and encouraging them to read.<\/span><\/p>\n

Read about a wide variety of people, and stories that break the mold, not just those about boys saving the world and girls needing to be saved. When a book or a news item fits that mold, talk about it: Why does the mother in the \u201c<\/span>Berenstain Bears<\/a>\u201d always wear a housecoat and rarely leave the house? Why does a news photograph show all white men?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat should start at 3, when they really pick up stereotypes and notice them,\u201d Ms. Brown said. \u201cIf you don\u2019t help them label them as stereotypes, they assume this is the way it is.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

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Celebrate boyhood<\/span><\/h2>\n
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Image Credit\u00a0<\/span>Agnes Lee<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Raising a son this way isn\u2019t just about telling boys what not to do, or about erasing gender differences altogether. For instance, all male mammals engage in rough-and-tumble play, Ms. Eliot said.<\/span><\/p>\n

So roughhouse, crack jokes, watch sports, climb trees, build campfires. Teach boys to show strength \u2014 the strength to acknowledge their emotions. Teach them to provide for their families \u2014 by caring for them. Show them how to be tough \u2014 tough enough to stand up to intolerance. Give them confidence \u2014 to pursue whatever they\u2019re passionate about.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Art Direction by Antonio de Luca<\/strong><\/p>\n

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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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